Toronto, Ontario
Jan 13.2002

For immediate release to the pathetic masses.

With the recent bankruptcy of excite@home and all the problems in the United States, Rogers@home is proud to announce several new initiatives to improve our service to our customers and the community at large.

1) Classical Music Appreciation

Due to the downturn in appreciation for classic music since the birth of our Lord Ted Rogers in the late 1700s, we've started a Classical Music Appreciation incentive for our customers. Those of you who were used to only sitting on hold for five to ten minutes when calling tech support often complained that we'd cut short your muzak, just as you were really getting into it. Well, no more will this be an issue! The average caller to our Rogers tech support will be placed on hold for a minimum of 30 minutes at all times, thereby allowing you to enjoy the relaxing tunes that make the world go round. Please note that due to popular demand, we're brought back our much loved "William Shatner" music hour once a day. Call as often as you like, as this event shifts from day to day!

2) Family Time

Ever since cable modems were invented and brought to glorious life in this country, we're received persistent complaints from customers that they were too fast. Why, rather than waiting for hours to download a file, you sometimes only waited mere minutes! This of course translates into less time spent with your family and friends. Lord Ted remembers a time when you could start a file downloading, and then go spend some time with your spouse and children watching quality Rogers programming on the television, or perhaps go down to a Rogers video and rent some fine home entertainment such as video cassettes or games for your console.

In order to bring the good old day back our glorious leader has declared it to be open season on bandwidth, and we've cut back the speed as a courtesy to our beloved customers. In fact, most of our data packets are now transported to their destinations by rats, carrier pigeons and UPS. Go spend time with your loved ones, and enjoy the freedom!

3) Anti-Online Violence Initiatives

Another troubling effect of high speed Internet upon our modern youth has been the spread of violent behavior on the Internet. 'Gaming' as it's known among it's evil and twisted adherents has become rampant and is of deep concern to Education and Law Enforcement officials as well as parents, not only in our own nation but worldwide. In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of this terrible disease, Rogers@home has introduced an unprecedented new technology. Our unique 'Packet Caching' ™ protocol (installed into all of our routers) causes gaming packets to be lost, and stored in a big vault in the basement of our main headquarters building, where they are sorted through and recycled for later use by our recently amassed army of mole men. Just listen to these testimonials:

"Why I used to spend hours online every day playing 'games' against other people. Quake III, Wolfenstien, Red Faction, Unreal Tournament... You name it, I tried them all. Just one more fix... Then I'd stop......When I think about how much I used to enjoy killing and maiming other online players, it just makes me sick to my stomach. Thanks to the new Rogers 'Packet Caching' ™ technology however, I'm almost cured. It's a long road, but with help from my friends @home I'll be back to wanking off to porn in no time at all, and my gaming days are behind me! Thanks @home!"
- Somyung Guiy, Toronto Ontario

"At one time I used to enjoy low ping gaming, and no packet loss. Wow, I can't believe what I was missing! Now, thanks to Rogers@home, my pings are usually in the 150-300 range, and I'm experiencing 20-50% packet loss. For the last six weeks, with Rogers help, and their new 'Packet Caching' ™ technology I've been able to swear off shooters, and RTS games, and I'm back playing those old classics I love. Solitaire and Minesweeper have never been so enjoyable! Thanks again @home!"
- Dave "Marauder" Kratky, Orangeville Ontario.

The below images demonstrate the effectiveness of this new technology, click on them for larger, more glorious pictures!

Before!	After!

5) Spirit Crushing Tech Support

In recent years, we've noticed a disturbing trend in the consumer market. People expect good service, and timely tech support. Most disturbing of all people seem to be thinking for themselves, and mistakenly believe that these things are their 'rights' just because they pay us huge amounts of money every month. In order to set things right, we've started rolling blackouts of our @home and AT&T mobile phone services. According to the Dark Lord, Sir Rogers, people should appreciate and stop crying over spilt bandwidth. We've also hired ex Bosnian interrogation officers, and other civil servants to do our on the phone tech support. No more being helpful to those who call, since clearly any problem is at the customer's end and is likely due to their evil and ungodly nature. Anyone who calls our tech lines will be repeatedly told that the problem is with their computer, despite the fact that fifty other people in their area are experiencing the exact same problem. Such spirit and soul crushing is provided free of charge and aside from teaching the rabble their place in the world, will also prepare them for life and work in a corporation.

These initiatives were brought to you by Rogers@home, where we're amassing a huge corporate army to take over the world. All hail the Dark Lord!