Redmond, Washington.
Dec 18,2001

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer announces that "There's nothing to be concerned about!"

In his response to an article posted yesterday by Newbytes, which announced that a suspected members of the Al Qaeda terrorist network has made claims that his people infiltrated Microsoft and have sabotaged the company's new Windows XP operating system Mr. Ballmer claims that there's nothing to worry about for John Q. Public.

Accoring to the Newsbytes article "During interrogation, Afroze, 25, also claimed that a member or members of Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda network, posing as computer programmers, were able to gain employment at Microsoft and attempted to plant "trojans, trapdoors, and bugs in Windows XP," according to Ravi Visvesvaraya Prasad, a New Delhi information systems and telecommunication consultant."

Mr. Ballmer said in his press release that "Such claims are patently false! All backdoors, tojans and bugs are actually installed by Microsoft from the ground up. We certainly don't need any help from Terrorists to release a buggy product. Just look at our past record. Windows 95, 98 and especially ME. We categorilly deny any involvement, or involvement of our employees in any schemes or plots to undermine the free world, crush competition beneath our iron bootheels as we stride the eath like a giant, invade your privacy, and/or crash your computer. Incidentally, please signup now for your .0wnage passport and give us all your data."

When questioned as to what security measures were in place to protect against infiltration by terrorists or other Linux users, Ballmer responded that "...We use the latest in security equipment and screening proccesses here at Microsoft. We do a thorough background check on all our employees, including a review of former operating systems used, previous employment, and skill references. We also ensure that all independant thought is crushed among our people. After all, if you can think for yourself, you might run off and design a better produc... Er... Be a terrorist, hippy, or a damned dirty Linux user. Oh, we also ask Santa Claus if they were naughty or nice last year. That's vital. Got coal? No job for you! All screening is done by our new automated giant (World Crushing!) Robot. We call it IIS 2, (It Is Secure! 2) so security and privacy are ensured. You'll be seeing more of it, very soon. <evil cackeling>"

Mr. Ballmer then announced the conference to be at an end, and again reminded us all that reporters who ask too many questions tend to have unfortunate "accidents". When asked to explain this, he had everyone put to death.