Redmond, Washington.
Oct 25,2001

Microsoft Steve Ballmer declares "New OS isn't shit!"

At a press conference announcing the release of the new Microsoft flagship product, Windows XP yesterday, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer declared that the new OS would revolutionize the computer industry as we know it today. When asked why people should switch the new OS, as compared to staying with Windows 98 or NT his response was simple. "When you ask people what they really want in an OS the say it's reliability. Sure we've always released inferior products in the past, and screwed over the public, but this XP thing is good. I mean, really really good. As in, battle against the nazis good. We feel that MacP.. Er, I mean XP will increase our market share even more. In fact, we're proud to announce the inclusion of XP into our .0wnage family of products.

We feel that XP is so damned good we've donated 20,000 copies to the US Air Force, which are even now being dropped on those terrorist bastards over in Afganistan, along with the bombs, cruise missiles, and McDonald's happy meals. We figure if the Afgan people start running XP on their machines, they'll turn over their weapons, renounce terrorism, and live in peace and harmony. Either that or they'll be so confused by the new complex interface, with it's cheerful, eye blindingly bright graphics they'll surrender in tears."

Mr. Ballmer then annouced a new Microsoft initative to have all reporters who ask too many questions put to death.

In a related story, several air transports loaded with 512 meg SDRAM modules and 60 gig hard drives have gone missing in Pakistan, and were last seen headed for the Afgan border.