there's been many questions asked by fans of the Macintosh
line of products. Your FRAGtopia sleuths are on the case and
looking for the answers.
a recent Apple press conference, many questions were asked
of Overlord Jobs. Questions such as "When are you releasing
a teal Mac?", "Why can't I order ferns to go with
my lovely new Mac?", "Why hasn't Steve Jobs been
instated as ruler of the universe yet?" and then from
the middle of the room rose a single dissenting voice....
"Oh Master Jobs, (Long may you live!) I don't mean to
seem negative, but my brand new uber expensive iMac (a deal
at twice the price my lord!) desklamp clone seems slow on
the Internet. Slower in fact than much cheaper and more compatible
PC Clones! Please enlighten us!"
young Mr. Andrew McNall didn't survive the ensuing lynching,
and so was unavailable for comment or his payoff from us.
(That seems to happen quite a bit for some reason...) After
the incident we cornered Mr. Jobs at his island lair for a
brief interview. When we asked the same question about the
speed of the new iMac's on the Internet, we were informed
that the problem actually lay within the power source. Mr.
Jobs explained to us that all of Apple's newer computers are
actually powered by a core of pure evil. Earlier models contained
an alloyed power supply, which was only about 40-50% evil,
but after a recent deal with Satan, the amount of evil contained
in each Mac computer was increased.
felt that the time was right to strengthen our partnership
with the Forces of Hell (TM), and increase our marketshare
by making all of our machines more appealing to the consumer.
Hell, the iMac saved our company from being wiped of the face
of the earth like plague rats, so it's in our interest to
pimp it up and ensure sales continue. As everyone knows, things
that are illicit and naughty are more appealing. Just look
at an iMac, and you can feel it's core of evil pulling you
towards it. Soon you're matching your décor to it,
and then killing your relatives and signing up for a knitting
club. If you need proof of the effectiveness of our engineering,
we programmed a special model just for fun and to prove the
new strategy to our investors. The new iMacs have a special
peripheral that actually kicks you right in the face when
you first turn them on, and people still love them.
everything was going along just swimmingly when the whole
middle east crisis started up. Satan had promised us a virtually
unlimited amount of evil to power our new line of iMacs. Then
Bin Laden and Arafat increased their activities. With the
concentration of this much evil in one place, there just hasn't
been quite enough evil to supply the needs of our new models,
so they tend to run a little slower. However, we're expecting
to see these issues resolved shortly. Mr. Beezelbub assures
us that evil is a rapid growth industry that is currently
undergoing rapid expansion and that we can expect the problem
solve itself within the next 18 months."
head of Forces of Hell Industries Inc. in Redmond, Washington
was kind enough to comment on their partnership with Apple.
"Well, when Mr. Jobs first approached us with the idea
of the Apple in the late 1970's we frankly weren't interested.
I mean, it's a personal computer. Our analysts were convinced
that this sort of thing would never fly. We're venture capitalists
to an extent here at FHI Inc, I mean look at the Crusades,
the Spanish Inquisition and other activities of the Roman
Catholics. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and see
if it works out. Just on the off chance that this Jobs character
might have been onto something, we signed a small contact
for a tiny bit of evil to be put into each of his "Macintosh"
computers. During the 80's we figured we'd hit the jackpot
with these guys. Every branch of the US military and a large
number of schools around the world were using them. The spread
of evil seemed to be accelerating. Then something went horribly
wrong, and people started to buy Amigas and PCs in the late
80's and the early 90's. Thank Satan for our small core of
Apple cultists such as David
Levine and Mike Swope who kept the brand alive
until the late 90s. With the release of the new iMac, we increased
Apple's license rights, and saved their asses frankly. We're
hoping that the increased investment in Apple will allow Jobs
and his minions to finally establish a firm foothold on the
souls of computer using humanity. As for the recent evil shortage
issues, evil does grow every day in every corner of the world.
Just look around you! Shesh, stop worrying, things will be
back to normal any day now."
there you have it folks! The slower iMacs are actually the
fault of Satan, not of Apple. So stop bothering Apple tech
support and live with it, like good little Mac cultists.